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Topic: Cooperism's (Read 679 times)

Old_Sparky
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1996 2.0 16v Ultima Saloon

Posts: 19

Cooperism's
« on: Jan 24^th, 2005, 7:21pm »

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A few of the great Tommy's gags. Grin

> 1. Two blondes walk into a building........... you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
> >
> 2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
> marijuana,press the hash key..."
> >
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
> The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
> >
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
> find any.
> >
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
> too high."
> >
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
> >
> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He
> shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I
> know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
> >
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
> craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
> and heat it.
> >
> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
> hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
> >
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
> says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
> >
> 12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds
> like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
> >
> 13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there
> anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at
> him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
> teeth.. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
> Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
> >
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
> backside." ..."How's that?" "Don't you start."
> >
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
> >
> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
> >
> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
> me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,go for
> it.'
> >
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
> in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad,or
> my
> older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think Colin.
>>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other
> one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>>
> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,and
> the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
> one off.
> >
> 21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.They
> left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
> that was nice."
> >
> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
> places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
> >
> 23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb
> as digging continues into the night

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