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Topic: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter (Read 897 times) |
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craig
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10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« on: Mar 20th, 2007, 8:15am » |
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10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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scorpio_man
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Ford Kuga awd
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #1 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 8:33am » |
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Simmo
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #2 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 8:52am » |
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Those of us who know the author are happy to re-assure those for whom the message is intended that he MEANS every word !!. Worse still he has back up from..... not the SAS.... but worse..... Mrs Allways. AKA Amanda    Mike.
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Now I'm an OAP
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craig
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #3 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 9:13am » |
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on Mar 20th, 2007, 8:52am, Simmo wrote:| Those of us who know the author are happy to re-assure those for whom the message is intended that he MEANS every word !!. Worse still he has back up from..... not the SAS.... but worse..... Mrs Allways. AKA Amanda Mike. |
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never a truer word spoken mike...
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cossie_al
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #4 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 11:44am » |
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Anyone mind if I print those off and staple them to the heads of my daughters prospective boy friends?
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Yalin
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'98 Facelift 2.3
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #6 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 12:50pm » |
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Brilliant Craig!!
Only fathers who has daughters can truely appreciate this!!
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TRACEYS_LIMO
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #7 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 3:35pm » |
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RichardMS
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More mods coming soon !
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #8 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 6:17pm » |
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Nice one Craig, That one is going to find it's place on the kitchen notice board for sure
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mr._floppy
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Posts: 100
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #9 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 7:25pm » |
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Oi Craig, don't make the rules too strict, she may never leave home and be a burden on you for the rest of your days, and it'll all be your fault and what's more, she'll never let you forget it. 
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dh_dove
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #10 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 7:39pm » |
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Craig
I presume potential suitors also shouldn't ask to borrow your X-Large Rizla papers.......... 
Regards
DH Dove
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taliban aka Cheekyboy2
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #11 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 8:48pm » |
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love it
but it doesnt take into account it could be your daughter that wants to get up to no good........
i'll get me coat.......
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Matt
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #12 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 9:21pm » |
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i have 3 scorpios (well 2 and 3/4's lol), can i date your daughter? does rebuilding a cosworth in the garage count as a date
very funny, a little extream but very funny
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FDS2000 Scans - Birmingham
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dh_dove
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Re: 10 simple rules for dating my daughter
« Reply #13 on: Mar 20th, 2007, 9:34pm » |
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Taliban
Tho' I can't speak from experience I understand that when daughters want to get up to no good nothing on this earth can stop them.............
Leave your coat on it's hook
DH Dove
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