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Topic: A Laugh for Easter (Read 420 times) |
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Spannerdemon
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Tomorrow it's the mother-in-law's funeral...and she's cancelled it.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving Sir, we're stock-taking'
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough."
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this toilet!
He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
The wife's Mother said, "When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." I said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."
I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
Happy Easter 
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fordnut
Junior Member
im Big im Grumpy but im very nice
Posts: 94
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #1 on: Apr 5th, 2007, 7:05pm » |
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i never apologise.I'm sorry but thats the way i am
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cossie_al
Full Member
Ex 24v
Posts: 902
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #2 on: Apr 5th, 2007, 10:48pm » |
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Sd, You should be on a stage mate 
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Spannerdemon
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Yeah.....several people have said that.
Preferably one with a noose hanging above it!!
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ferretmobile
Full Member
2.3 saloon S reg & all the toys. mmmm toys
Posts: 343
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #4 on: Apr 6th, 2007, 12:11pm » |
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Classic Les Dawson lines...they still make me giggle 
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craig
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my brother in law rang me last thursday....
Craig,he said,bad news,i'm afraid to tell you that your mother in law has just passed away...
we are cdonsidering what to do,burial or cremation?
what do you think?
"Hmmmm" i thought
"lets take no chances,give her both i said"
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julie_quaife
Full Member
'97 2.3 16v ultima estate blue azura
Posts: 134
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #6 on: Apr 6th, 2007, 9:06pm » |
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brought a smile to my face thought i recognised les dawson's jokes, i rate him along with tommy cooper as the two funniest comedien's ever 
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Jonnycab
Senior Member
Former owner of 2.3 Ultima Facelift saloon
Posts: 3900
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #7 on: Apr 7th, 2007, 4:52am » |
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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?.....Phillipe Phillop.
A bloke walking in the park notices a drunk sitting on a bench drinking brake fluid. He runs over & says "you can't drink that, it'll kill you !"...the drunk replies..."don't worry about me, I can stop any time I want!!".
Knock..Knock....Who's there....Bigish....Bigish-who....not today thanks
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Jonnycab
Senior Member
Former owner of 2.3 Ultima Facelift saloon
Posts: 3900
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #8 on: Apr 7th, 2007, 4:53am » |
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A bloke walks into a pub & goes up to the bar. Whilst waiting to be served he notices a drunk sitting at the bar with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite" the bloke asks
"No" the drunk replies
So he bends down to stroke the dog & it bites him.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite"
The drunk replies "Thats not my dog".
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Jonnycab
Senior Member
Former owner of 2.3 Ultima Facelift saloon
Posts: 3900
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #9 on: Apr 7th, 2007, 4:53am » |
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Two dyslexic's in a car.......one says to the other.......
"Can you smell petrol"
"Smell petrol..!!!....I can't even smell my own name"
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Jonnycab
Senior Member
Former owner of 2.3 Ultima Facelift saloon
Posts: 3900
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #10 on: Apr 7th, 2007, 4:54am » |
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A keen golfer is asked by his wife if she can come along & have a round. He is a bit hesitant, but eventually agrees.
On her first shot she hits the ball sideways & it goes straight through the window of a house.
The husband says "Now look what you've done....I'm going to have to go over & pay for the damage"
They walk over to the house & knock.......there is no answer........so they push the door & it opens....
They walk into the front room & see the golf ball on the floor, a smashed vase, & a funny dressed man sitting in an armchair.
"I'm really sorry about the vase" the golfer says " we will pay for any damage".
" That's okay" says the man " you've done me a big favour...I'm a Genie & i've been stuck in that vase for a thousand years....& you've let me free. I can now grant you two wishes & grant myself a wish".
" What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
The golfer says "I'd like a brand new Aston Martin"
The genie waves his hand & says " It is waiting in the car park for you".
The wife says " I'd like a six bedroom house with an inside swimming pool"
The genie waves his hand & says " Your new Aston Martin will drive you to your new home"
"Great" says the golfer..."but what is your wish genie?"
"Well... I've been in that vase for a thousand years, so obviously I havn't seen a woman for a thousand years & I'm getting pretty desperate , your wife looks pretty hot....what about it? just ten minutes!!
The golfer & his wife look at each other & agree that the genie has given them all they ever wanted & quick shag wouldn't be to bad....
"Okay" says the golfer.
The genie takes the wife upstairs & has his wicked way with her for two hours.
After they have finished & the wife is completely exhausted the genie asks the wife, " how old are you & your husband ?"
"I'm 35 & my husband is 36"
"what....& you still believe in Genies?"..........
« Last Edit: 31.05.06 at 01:55:00 by jonnycab »
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TiberiuS
Senior Member
Ex. 1996 2.3 Ultima - RIP P789 KHJ
Posts: 2257
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Re: A Laugh for Easter
« Reply #11 on: Apr 7th, 2007, 12:18pm » |
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LOL
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Bruce - '07 Jaguar XKR coupe, '95 Jaguar XJ Sport 4.0, '82 Ford Capri 2.0 Ghia, '15 Honda Civic (sloooooww..)
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