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Topic: Joke run (Read 2258 times) |
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
 
Posts: 1365
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1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
'Because I drunk in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, Finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'
The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the Children's' sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'
The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a female dog to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the Shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'
I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'
'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math's homework.
He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a female dog is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a female dog is nine....'
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'
The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'
'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked
'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'
The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'
The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a female dog is four?'
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'
The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that Farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy nuts! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
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v4-max aka Cheekyboy1
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #2 on: Mar 9th, 2008, 9:18pm » |
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 i have something alot funnier than that" $%^%$%^&*$ SCORPIO ELECTRICS  
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Tons_of_fun
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Mmmm...Xena !
Posts: 978
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #3 on: Mar 9th, 2008, 9:34pm » |
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I would love to post a few that i know,but alas my mind is in the gutter  .Good jokes though pete.The second one is a little too close to home for me (B***dy 5 year old,s)
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Jonnycab
Senior Member
Former owner of 2.3 Ultima Facelift saloon
Posts: 3900
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #4 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 12:51am » |
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A little girl goes to her Dad & asks...."Where does poo come from Daddy ?"...
The Dad thinks for a while about how he is going to explain this to a 4 year old in simple terms......& then replies...
...." Well petal, when you eat your dinner it all goes into your tummy. Then your tummy breaks down the food & separates the good stuff from the bad stuff. The good stuff goes into your body to make you strong & healthy, & the bad stuff gets turned into poo & then comes out of your bottom "...
The little girl stands there in wide eyed disbelief........with bottom lip quivering & a tears welling up her eyes she asks...
....& what about Tigger ?.....
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #5 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 8:10am » |
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.'
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Scorpio_Mike
Senior Member
Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 V6 & 2.8 Sierra XR4i 4x4
Posts: 2354
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #6 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 10:20am » |
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This one dropped into my mailbox at work this week :
A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.
As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"
She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.
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"Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"
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TiberiuS
Senior Member
Ex. 1996 2.3 Ultima - RIP P789 KHJ
Posts: 2257
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #7 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 9:37pm » |
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Two guys are out walking when they come accross a hole.
"Wow" says one guy, "that looks deep"
"Sure does" says the other guy, "toss a pebble down there and see how deep it is"
They toss a few pebbles and wait...no sound.
"Wow, that must be a really deep hole" says the first guy, "Let's toss something bigger down there"
Down they throw a small rock but again, no noise.
"I know" says the second guy and points to a railroad tie at the edge of the clearing "lets toss that tie down there, that big boy has gotta make a noise"
So they drag the tie over and into the hole...and wait. All of a sudden a goat appears out from the trees, flies straight torward the hole and disappears into it.
The two guys are looking at each other all puzzled when a farmer appears.
"Either of you two seen my goat?"
"Well, a goat just disapeared down this here hole" replied the first guy.
"Nah" said the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tethered to a railroad tie over there"
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had odd jobs for her to do.
Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar"
A guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing a hampster costume. When he gets to the door the bouncer doubtfully looks him up and down, "don't mind me saying but that hampster costume looks pretty stupid. Where're you from?"
"Hampsterdam" he replied
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #8 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 10:29pm » |
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An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees'!
'What powerful rivers'!
'What beautiful animals'!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very Well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #9 on: Mar 11th, 2008, 10:39pm » |
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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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pete from Hull
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Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #10 on: Mar 14th, 2008, 10:41pm » |
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Scorpio_Mike
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Jeep Grand Cherokee 3.0 V6 & 2.8 Sierra XR4i 4x4
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #11 on: Mar 14th, 2008, 10:59pm » |
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OK, gotta keep this one running :
A man was very unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat.
Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out
of the vestibule.
When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to
a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments."
After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook
his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for
saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing
your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it."
Preacher: "You mean the Commandment 'Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?"
Man: "No, the one about "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife. As
soon as you said that, I rememberd where I left my hat."
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #12 on: Mar 15th, 2008, 11:59am » |
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The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
(Continue below - You'll love this)
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'THE TEETH.'
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #13 on: Mar 19th, 2008, 7:39am » |
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An airplane is about to take off. A beautiful blonde sits on a chair in the business class. The flight attendant checks out her ticket. It turns out that the blonde's seat is in the Economy class.
'Excuse me, would you like to move to the rear part of the plane, in the Economy class?', asks the flight attendant.
'I am a beautiful woman, I'm a blonde, I'm going to New York and I'll sit here.', replies the blonde.
The co-pilot turns up to help the flight attendant.
'Excuse me, lady, woud you move to the Economy class if you please,' he asks.
'A am a beautiful woman, I'm a blonde, I'm going to new York and I'll sit here.', replies the blonde.
The co-pilot explains the situation to the captain. The captain reassures him that he is going to resolve the situation quickly as his wife is a blonde,too, and he knows how to deal with such a case.
The captain goes into the saloon, approaches the blonde, and whishpers something into her ear. Out of a sudden, the blonde stands up and moves furiously to the Economy class.
'How did you do that?', ask the flight attendant and the co-pilot.
'Oh, that was easy. I told her that the Business class was going to London and the Economy class was going to New York', replies the captain.
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #14 on: Mar 20th, 2008, 9:12am » |
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A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention, so, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in......
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH***
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TiberiuS
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Posts: 2257
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #15 on: Mar 20th, 2008, 10:15am » |
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Very good
I liked the one before, reminded me of the 'Pink parrot' joke
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #16 on: Mar 22nd, 2008, 12:44am » |
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."
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TiberiuS
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Ex. 1996 2.3 Ultima - RIP P789 KHJ
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #17 on: Mar 22nd, 2008, 2:15am » |
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Crikey Pete, that's a bit near the mark 
Very funny though 
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pete from Hull
Senior Member
Non Scorpio at the moment, but still interested...
Posts: 1365
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #18 on: Mar 22nd, 2008, 10:37am » |
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 wasn't mine I just passed it on.... 
Pete
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pete from Hull
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Re: Joke run
« Reply #19 on: Mar 22nd, 2008, 10:50am » |
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One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass.
He told the driver to stop.
He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass".
The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids."
The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
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