|
||
|
Title: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 8th, 2008, 10:22pm ;D ;D ;D 1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I drunk in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' 2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' 'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?' 3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, Finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'' 4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.' 5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the Children's' sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on Microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a female dog to iron.' 6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the Shower. She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?' 7. A little boy was doing his math's homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a female dog is seven. Three plus six, that son of a female dog is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a female dog is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.' 8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... And so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that Farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy nuts! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.' 10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?' }{ }{ }{ }{ |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by taliban aka Cheekyboy2 on Mar 8th, 2008, 10:34pm ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by v4-max aka Cheekyboy1 on Mar 9th, 2008, 9:18pm ??? i have something alot funnier than that" $%^%$%^&*$ SCORPIO ELECTRICS :'( :'( >:( }{ }{ }{ }{ }{ |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Tons_of_fun on Mar 9th, 2008, 9:34pm I would love to post a few that i know,but alas my mind is in the gutter ::) ::).Good jokes though pete.The second one is a little too close to home for me (B***dy 5 year old,s) ;D ;D ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Mar 11th, 2008, 12:51am A little girl goes to her Dad & asks...."Where does poo come from Daddy ?"... The Dad thinks for a while about how he is going to explain this to a 4 year old in simple terms......& then replies... ...." Well petal, when you eat your dinner it all goes into your tummy. Then your tummy breaks down the food & separates the good stuff from the bad stuff. The good stuff goes into your body to make you strong & healthy, & the bad stuff gets turned into poo & then comes out of your bottom "... The little girl stands there in wide eyed disbelief........with bottom lip quivering & a tears welling up her eyes she asks... ....& what about Tigger ?..... ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 11th, 2008, 8:10am Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen.' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Scorpio_Mike on Mar 11th, 2008, 10:20am This one dropped into my mailbox at work this week : A typical English 40 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walks into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by TiberiuS on Mar 11th, 2008, 9:37pm Two guys are out walking when they come accross a hole. "Wow" says one guy, "that looks deep" "Sure does" says the other guy, "toss a pebble down there and see how deep it is" They toss a few pebbles and wait...no sound. "Wow, that must be a really deep hole" says the first guy, "Let's toss something bigger down there" Down they throw a small rock but again, no noise. "I know" says the second guy and points to a railroad tie at the edge of the clearing "lets toss that tie down there, that big boy has gotta make a noise" So they drag the tie over and into the hole...and wait. All of a sudden a goat appears out from the trees, flies straight torward the hole and disappears into it. The two guys are looking at each other all puzzled when a farmer appears. "Either of you two seen my goat?" "Well, a goat just disapeared down this here hole" replied the first guy. "Nah" said the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat, my goat was tethered to a railroad tie over there" ::) A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had odd jobs for her to do. Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her. And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Jaguar" ::) A guy goes to a fancy dress party wearing a hampster costume. When he gets to the door the bouncer doubtfully looks him up and down, "don't mind me saying but that hampster costume looks pretty stupid. Where're you from?" "Hampsterdam" he replied ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 11th, 2008, 10:29pm An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees'! 'What powerful rivers'! 'What beautiful animals'! He said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer'? The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'? 'Very Well,' said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke: 'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 11th, 2008, 10:39pm A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 14th, 2008, 10:41pm Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. }{ }{ }{ |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Scorpio_Mike on Mar 14th, 2008, 10:59pm OK, gotta keep this one running : A man was very unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and steal one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entire sermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his hand vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the Commandment 'Thou shall not steal' changed your mind?" Man: "No, the one about "Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife. As soon as you said that, I rememberd where I left my hat." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 15th, 2008, 11:59am The sharing of marriage... The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?' She answered (Continue below - You'll love this) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 'THE TEETH.' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 19th, 2008, 7:39am An airplane is about to take off. A beautiful blonde sits on a chair in the business class. The flight attendant checks out her ticket. It turns out that the blonde's seat is in the Economy class. 'Excuse me, would you like to move to the rear part of the plane, in the Economy class?', asks the flight attendant. 'I am a beautiful woman, I'm a blonde, I'm going to New York and I'll sit here.', replies the blonde. The co-pilot turns up to help the flight attendant. 'Excuse me, lady, woud you move to the Economy class if you please,' he asks. 'A am a beautiful woman, I'm a blonde, I'm going to new York and I'll sit here.', replies the blonde. The co-pilot explains the situation to the captain. The captain reassures him that he is going to resolve the situation quickly as his wife is a blonde,too, and he knows how to deal with such a case. The captain goes into the saloon, approaches the blonde, and whishpers something into her ear. Out of a sudden, the blonde stands up and moves furiously to the Economy class. 'How did you do that?', ask the flight attendant and the co-pilot. 'Oh, that was easy. I told her that the Business class was going to London and the Economy class was going to New York', replies the captain. ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 20th, 2008, 9:12am A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention, so, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...... P... E... N... I... S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED, NOT LONG ENOUGH*** |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by TiberiuS on Mar 20th, 2008, 10:15am ;D ;D ;D Very good ;D I liked the one before, reminded me of the 'Pink parrot' joke ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 22nd, 2008, 12:44am A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by TiberiuS on Mar 22nd, 2008, 2:15am Crikey Pete, that's a bit near the mark :o Very funny though ;) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 22nd, 2008, 10:37am :-[wasn't mine I just passed it on.... :-/ ;D ;D Pete |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 22nd, 2008, 10:50am One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat." So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The lawyer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 22nd, 2008, 11:18am Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the thingypit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Meanwhile, in the thingypit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !! |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 28th, 2008, 8:25am And another one.... ;D The Roman Candle Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top O'the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband two years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and four singles, ten in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doin'?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer 'candle." And another one.... ;D The Frog Once upon a time, in a land far away, A beautiful, independent, self assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't bl***y think so! |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 28th, 2008, 11:34pm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar in Cardiff. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you." "Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2." "Ahhh, that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. But, the Irishman swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman. "Did this actually happen to you?" "Not to me personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to my sister!" ************************** A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "d**n thing must be an hour fast." *********************** A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late. The couple went to the ball and dinner. After an hour and a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next day. The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people. So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV. She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear, "Take off my dress". "Now take off my bra." "Next remove my shoes and stockings." "Now remove my garter belt and panties." She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired". |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Thunderchild on Mar 30th, 2008, 9:40pm Paddy and Murphy decide to go into business together and open a pub. Well this has to be the worst pub in the world and after a few months when they have lost a fortune Murphy says to Paddy "I think that we'll close the pub and open a brothel instead" Paddy is horrified and says " For God's sake Murphy if we can't make any money out of selling beer how do you expect to make money out of selling soup??" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Mar 30th, 2008, 10:58pm Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!" Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes. The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!" Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by taliban aka Cheekyboy2 on Mar 30th, 2008, 11:15pm Ringo says to Paul McCartney; 'do you ever think you'll go down on one knee again?' Paul replies; 'no, no i dont think so, and i do wish you'd call her Heather'. i'll get me coat...... ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 1st, 2008, 11:33am Kevin was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 10 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!' The next morning Kevin got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough t here was a gift-wrapped box in the middle of the driveway. Intrigued, she put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Apr 1st, 2008, 11:48pm Murphy comes running into the pub... "Paddy, someone's just stolen your car from the car park" "Did you get a good look at him Murphy" replies Paddy.... ...."No, but I got the number plate"...... ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 2nd, 2008, 10:01am cia VACANCY. « on: Today at 09:50:12 am » -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA interviewers took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.. Kill Her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. 'The gun is loaded with blanks' she complained 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.' Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them. |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 2nd, 2008, 11:37am One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!" I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Apr 2nd, 2008, 1:15pm With the millions that Heather Mills got from her divorce settlement she has said that she will be buying a plane..... But has said she will still use Immac on the other leg....... ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 2nd, 2008, 2:39pm Tickle Me Elmo: ;D There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. Keep smiling |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Apr 3rd, 2008, 1:21am http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8kOs3J0a2aI |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Apr 3rd, 2008, 2:49am The owners of the house that was recently destroyed in the Kent plane crash have stated.... "Next time we go on holiday, we definately won't be leaving the landing light on again".... ;D |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 3rd, 2008, 9:38am Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut. ---------------------- A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD' ?' Granny replies, 'Forget the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!! ---------------------- A little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watching'?' Billy says, 'Wimbledon.' -------------------- A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!' He replies, 'You have perfect eyesight!' ---------------------- Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 7th, 2008, 9:25am A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A large black man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' 'Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied. 'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.' 'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked. 'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said. 'Consider it done, 'the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!' 'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish,genie?' 'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.' The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?' She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know,you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind,but what about you,honey?' You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!' So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?' 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly. 'No kidding.' he said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 8th, 2008, 11:52pm Sick Leave I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling & made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" & give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of GOD are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home & recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down & walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And >where do you think you're going?!" She said, I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!! |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 9th, 2008, 10:16am Doctor in Dublin A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: " So,Murphy, how was your day?" Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol." "Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor. The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'" "Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor. "I put drops in her eyes." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 9th, 2008, 10:18am An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger. On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin." "It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend laughed. "If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 10th, 2008, 4:28pm A University Professor is out for a stroll along the canal bank when up ahead he spots a group of people gathered. As he gets closer he can see that a body has been half dragged out of the canal, and is being given the kiss of life by another man. After a while, clearly exhausted from his unsuccesful attempt at reviving the poor chap, he asks if anyone else can help. The professor looks at the victim, who has water pouring from his mouth. "I don't know much about first aid" he says, "but I do know something about hydro-dynamics" The first aider throws the professor a filthy look and continues to administer first aid. After a few more minutes, and now clearly distressed asks again for more help. The professor steps forward again "Without wishing to repeat myself, I am an acknowledged leading expert in the field of hydro-dynamics". The first aider suggests in no uncertain terms that if he can't offer any useful help, then perhaps he should go. The Professor, not wanting to cause any more upset walks away. The professor hadn't got very far when he heard shouting from behind. he looks back to see the first aider running behind him. "Okay, mister clever sod, what exactly do you know about hydro-dynamics". The professor replies " Just that if you don't get his arse out of the water, you will pump the canal dry!" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 10th, 2008, 4:36pm A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it. After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'..... The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!' Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 14th, 2008, 4:12pm An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs." Try telling this one after a few drinks........ What do you call a donkey with one leg? A wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye? A winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love? A bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano? A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and Driving a Bus? talented A little old lady travelled to the US on the "Queen Mary". At the customs shed a young customs man approached her and said, "I'm sorry M'am but I have to ask you these questions, it is my duty to ask all incoming passengers these questions. "My first question is, have you any pornographic literature in your baggage?" Drawing herself up to her full height of 5 foot 1 inch and looking the customs officer with a steely stare, the lady replied, "Young man, I don't even own a pornograph." Son asked his mother the following question: "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white." A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline,electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, 'What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?' 'It will keep the sheets off his legs.' WHAT PART GOES FIRST The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of your body goes first?" Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?" Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said. Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs." The teacher looked at him with the strangestlook on her face. "Now, Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?" Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was moaning, 'O God, I'm coming!' And if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!" A little boy walked up to the librarian to check out a book entitled COMPREHENSIVE GUIDE FOR MOTHERS." When the librarian asked him if it was for his mother, he answered 'no.' "Then why are you checking it out?" "Because," said the little boy confidently, "I just started collecting moths last month!" Think about it !! |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 14th, 2008, 4:13pm Did i tell you the one about the traveller at the airport who complained about the dogpoo in the baggage collection area. The airport staff explained "We're sorry about that Sir!, It was one of our sniffer dogs, sniffing for bombs.....Thought he'd found one!" Then there was the Scotsman who had his photograph taken in the nude. It was a good photo and he decided to send it to his mother, but he couldn't send her the whole photo so he just cut off the top half and sent that. His mother loved the picture and told him to send one to his grandmother. Her wasn't going to the expense of having more printed so he just sent the bottom half (After all Gran was very short sighted) Gran wrote him a letter saying what a lovely photo, he looked just like his grandfather,......with a long nose and bags under the eyes. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a lit tle concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' A couple went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house, I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 14th, 2008, 4:13pm Three footy fans were walking back from the pub when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so one of them phoned the police and also requested an ambulance. Out of respect and propriety, the Man United fan took off his cap and placed it over one of the female's breasts. The Liverpool fan took off his cap and placed it over her other breast. Following their lead, but with great reluctance, the Leeds fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part. The police arrived first and an officer began to conduct his investigation. First he lifted up the Man United cap, replaced it and made an entry in his notebook. Next, he lifted the Liverpool cap and replaced it; making more notes in his book. Then the officer lifted the Leeds cap, replaced it, lifted it again,replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking his head in disbelief. The Leeds fan was extremelyannoyed and challenged him, "What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I'm a little surprised and confused. "Normally, when you look under a Leeds cap ... You'll find an arsehole." An American tourist goes on a trip to China .. While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his thingy covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it". The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc". The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your thingy". The man screams ! In horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion". The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice". The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his thingy and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease". The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my thingy?" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh, Thank God!", the man replies. "Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 14th, 2008, 4:14pm An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently" The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two? Two Scotsmen who had been drinking pals for years. They made a compact that whichever one died first, every year on the anniversary of his death, the other one would pour a bottle of whisky over his grave. And so it happened that one of them died and twelve months later the other one went to the graveside and peed on the grave saying, "Here's your bottle of whisky Jock, You'll no mind if I pass it through my kidneys first" A man went to prison for the first time. He was in a cell with anotherman, and just as the lights were turned out in the evening he heardsomebody from another cell shout out 'THIRTY-ONE!'.All of a sudden everybody in the cell block burst out with laughter.Then another voice shouted 'FIFTY-SIX!'.Again everybody burst out with laughter. The man was puzzledas to what was going on, so he turned to his cell mate and asked:'Why is it, when somebody shouts out a number, everybodybursts out with laughter?' His cell mate replied: 'Well, you see,down in the prison library we have a joke book that containsevery joke ever told. And we've all been in here so long we've allmemorised all the jokes. So now, when anybody wants to tell ajoke, they just have to shout out the page number from the book.'The man thought about this and decided that he would have a lookat this book. So the next day he went down to the prison libraryand read a few pages.He wrote down the numbers on a bit of paper because they were sogood he wanted to tell them to the others later.That night, after lights out he shouted out 'SEVENTY-SIX'.He waited for laughter but there wasn't any. He tried another one.'TWENTY'. Again silence. He couldn't understand why nobody waslaughing. He asked his cell mate 'Why is nobody laughing?'His cell mate replied 'It's the way you tell them' A man and his ever nagging wife went on holiday to Jerusalem, while they were there she unfortunately died. The man went to the undertaker who said it would cost £1500 to fly the body home to England or £150 to have her buried in Jerusalem. The man said he would like her sent home. The undertaker said "Why would you spend all that money taking her home when for £150 she could be buried here?" The man replied " Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later rose from the dead. I ain't taking that chance" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 15th, 2008, 11:30pm Love Story of Ralph and Edna Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?' |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Kjetil S on Apr 16th, 2008, 4:47pm Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. Could we maybe talk?" The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would have to be the "back door". As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying you on the bus yesterday. Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm actually the bus driver." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Kjetil S on Apr 16th, 2008, 5:04pm A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: "Have you seen my parakeet?" Hear about... the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges. -- Beyond the Fringe You know you're in trouble when... (1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. (2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any. (3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. (4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. (5) You wake up and your braces are locked together. (6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Kjetil S on Apr 16th, 2008, 5:06pm An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, voluptuous woman. After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young handsome prince!" And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?" |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 21st, 2008, 10:19pm Fred and Mary get married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, 'No'. Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.' Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' She replies, 'No.' Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and get back to school.' After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' His mom says, 'No.' He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His Mom replies, 'Ok, do tell me -- what you think?' He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.' Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the maths, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones, anyway 25% of all married men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. Of these, 90% will kiss their house goodbye when their wife leaves He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, 'Let's go!' The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. 'Fly over the north side of the fire,' said the photographer, 'and make several low-level passes.' 'Why?' asked the nervous pilot. 'Because I'm going to take pictures!' yelled the photographer. 'I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures.' The pilot replied, 'You mean you're not the flight instructor Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply. The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday." At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead... As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, 'Dad, you have some of their albums!' I had just pulled into a parking spot at the home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood. Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the customer service counter. 'Please help,' I gasped. 'My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!' Without even looking up, he replied, 'Aisle 12.' A middle aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet." A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion." How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready. After 50 years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were son," his mother said as she started to cry softly. "but it didn't work out and they brought you back." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 21st, 2008, 10:23pm What goes "click click click, is that it?, click click click, is that it?..........." A blind man with a Rubiks cube Women Are Evil By Nature... A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. ' Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. 'Actually, no,' he replied. 'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. 'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?' 'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. 'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say. 'Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by peteHull on Apr 22nd, 2008, 3:22pm For several years, a married man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without." "SEND EXTRA SAUCE". |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by sector-9 on Apr 22nd, 2008, 11:09pm How do you know that a clown's farted? . . . . . . There's a funny smell! Sorry, I'll get me coat. Darren |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by jonnycab on Apr 23rd, 2008, 1:43am Two cannibals are eating a clown......one turns to the other & says..... "Does this taste funny to you ?" ;D ....I'll get me coat as well.....& me hat ::) |
||
|
Title: Re: Joke run Post by Snoopy on Apr 23rd, 2008, 7:27am Enough is ENOUGH..... PLEASE |
||
|
Ford Scorpio Forum » Powered by YaBB 1 Gold - SP 1.3.1! YaBB © 2000-2003. All Rights Reserved. |