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        General >> Off Topic Subjects >> Time for a joke
        
(Message started by: tonyboy on Nov 21^st, 2010, 11:53pm)

Title: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Nov 21^st, 2010, 11:53pm

Teacher asks the class to make a sentence with "facinate" in it.
Little Johnny puts his hand up, And Miss thinks " No i'm not asking Johnny he always messes it up.
Mary raises her hand.
Yes Mary whats your sentence.
I was watching my Dad fix his car yesterday and it was facinating. Said Mary
" Well that was good but i was after the word Facinate in the sentence"
Johnny still had his hand up.
And Miss Thought i'm not going to ask him cos i know he'll mess it up.
Harry had his hand up
" Yes Harry Say's Miss"
My Mum was baking cakes and how she mixed all the ingrediants was facinating
" Well that was good but i was after the word Facinate in the sentence"
Johnny still had his hand up
So Miss thought , OK I'll ask Johnny.
Yes Johnny what is your sentance.
so Johnny replies
" I went to visit my granny yesterday, and she was knitting a cardigan, it was green, had two pocket's and nine buttons, But she's that fat she could only Fasten eight......................... ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Jonnycab on Nov 22^nd, 2010, 12:34am

Ah, joke time again eh ;)

...Paddy got banned from his local Muslim clothes shop, after he went in & asked if they had any bomber jackets.

...A guy went to the doctor while on holiday in Bangkok, because he was worried he may have caught an STD.
While the doctor was cupping his dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's quite normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
He said..."I haven't got an erection!"
She replied..."No, but I have!!"

........ ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Jonnycab on Dec 3^rd, 2010, 2:33am

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and so decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off to work now, the man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning madam', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and sit down'.

After a moment, she asked, blushing....'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me, I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.....and sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for me & my husband!'

'Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good shot first time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'Oh My, that's a lot!!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Madam, in my line of work, a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be a bit disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith, quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well....especially when you consider how difficult their mother was to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four or five deep to get a good look'

'Four or five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, the mother was constantly squealing and yelling....I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true madam, yes'.......'Well, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod and we can get to work right away'

'Tripod ? !!' exclaimed Mrs. Smith

'Oh yes madam....I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big & heavy to be held in the hand for very for long'

.......Mrs. Smith then fainted !!

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Dec 3^rd, 2010, 8:51pm

;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Dec 3^rd, 2010, 8:59pm

I was in my car the other day driving to town, Went past the bus stop and saw my irish freind Jim, I stopped and asked if he wanted a lift. And he replied " No thanks i better not, i might miss my bus "....

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by TiberiuS on Dec 3^rd, 2010, 9:11pm

Jon,

Did you ever hear the one about the guy on the 'Winalot diet' who ended up in hospital?

Actually, on second thoughts, maybe that's not the right joke for a family forum :-X :P ::)

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Jonnycab on Dec 4^th, 2010, 2:57am

What, this 'Winalot diet' joke ?.......

......I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco. While standing in the queue at the till, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.... ???

On impulse, I told her that no, I was actually starting 'The Winalot Diet' again, although I probably shouldn't because last time I tried it, I ended up in hospital. However, not before I'd lost 50 pounds and then awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is so nutritionally complete, I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my b***s and a car hit me ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Dec 4^th, 2010, 5:22pm

Cool. I'm gonna try that diet............... :D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by gozz on Dec 4^th, 2010, 9:45pm

Make sure that when you feel the need to lick the nether regions you are safely on the footpath Tony ;)
GOZZ.

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by TiberiuS on Dec 5^th, 2010, 2:30pm

on 12/04/10 at 02:57:47, Jonnycab wrote:

What, this 'Winalot diet' joke ?.......

Yep, that's the one :-/

I guess you've heard the one about the two guys with the humped back and the club foot?

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Scorpio_Mike on Dec 5^th, 2010, 6:36pm

on 12/05/10 at 14:30:04, TiberiuS wrote:

I guess you've heard the one about the two guys with the humped back and the club foot?

Errr...no, do tell ;)

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by TiberiuS on Dec 5^th, 2010, 11:36pm

on 12/05/10 at 18:36:22, Scorpio_Mike wrote:

Errr...no, do tell ;)

Mike, Jon probably knows this one, but as he's not online yet.. ;)

...

The humped back and the devil

A chap who suffered from a Humped back took a short-cut through the grave yard on his way home from the pub one night. Suddenly the Devil jumped out from behind a grave stone and said "Don't be afraid, I just want to know what that is on your back?" to which the frightened man replied "Its a hump!".

The devil then inquired "Do you want it?" "No!" said the man whereupon the devil took the hump from his back and disappeared leaving the man completely healed.

The next night in the pub the man was approached by his friend who suffered from a club foot and was asked what had happened to his hump. After hearing the story the man with the club foot decided to try his luck in the graveyard. Sure enough the devil jumped out and inquired what was wrong with the man's foot. After listening to the man the devil asked, "Do you have a hump on your back?" "No!" replied the man "Well, have this one then!" shouted the devil and disappeared..

...

There's also one about Noah's Ark, but I'll let Jon do that one if he knows it ;)

Bruce.

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by lesterlad aka Rodders on Dec 7^th, 2010, 10:24am

An Englishman, a Scot and a Welshman were in a terrible car accident. They were all taken to the same A&E dept at the local hospital, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put a name tag on the Welshman, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what happened.

"Well," said the Welshman, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Englishman and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of £100 each, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the £100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the Welshman, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Englishman was waiting for the government to pay for his.

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Highlander on Dec 7^th, 2010, 11:23am

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by lesterlad aka Rodders on Dec 7^th, 2010, 8:41pm

David Cameron, Nicolas Sarkozy and Barak Obama are flying in Obama's brand new presidential jet to a world economic summit for their first meeting together.

Cameron looked out through the thingypit window and said "You know, if I could throw a £50 note out of the window, it would make a single person really happy today". Sarkozy looked at him and said "well, if I could do the same, i would throw a 1,000 Euro note out of the window as I would rather make a whole family happy". Obama chuckled and said "You Europeans always think small. My advertising campaign cost hundreds of millions of dollars. If I could throw out just one million dollars, it would make a whole village happy as hell".

At which point the pilot, fed up to the back teeth with all the bragging, turned and said to the three of them "Well, if you let me throw out the whole sorry lot of you, it'll make the whole world very censored happy indeed".

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by lesterlad aka Rodders on Dec 7^th, 2010, 8:50pm

2010's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...... ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by Jonnycab on Dec 8^th, 2010, 3:05am

One Christmas, a long time ago...Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were a few problems. Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves couldn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones....So Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where......More stress >:(

Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys >:(

So, frustrated & angry, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the rum >:(

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom >:(

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully..."Merry Christmas Santa, Isn't it a lovely day?...I have a beautiful tree for you....Where would you like to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.... ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by TiberiuS on Dec 10^th, 2010, 3:33pm

Jon, do you remember the 'Scientific proof of Santa' one? Used to have that one here somewhere but can't find it. Something about the speed of light and Santa being burned to a crisp by sonic booms and stuff.. ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by lesterlad aka Rodders on Dec 10^th, 2010, 3:51pm

Do you mean this one ?

There are approximately two billion children ( persons under 18 ) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this
reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378
million (according to the population reference bureau). Assuming an
average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that computes to 108 million homes,
- presuming there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming east to
west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per
second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good
child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop
out, jump down the chimney, fill the stocking, distribute the
remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left
for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh, and get onto
the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is
evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be
false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are
now talking about 0.78 miles per household. This amounts to a total
trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest
man made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4miles
per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles
per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized LEGO
set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousands tons,
not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can
pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying"
reindeer can pull 10 times the normal amount, the job can't be done
with eight or even nine of them---Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh,
another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons travelling at 650
miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this would heat up
the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the
earth's atmosphere.

The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of
energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right
about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it
matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a
dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to
acceleration forces of 17,000 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems
ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by
4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs
and reducing him to a dribbling mess of twitching innards.

Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Christmas everybody

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by gozz on Dec 10^th, 2010, 8:14pm

Blimey Rodders,and all this time I thought he was alive and well ! you've ruined my Christmas now :'( come to think of it though,he didn't eat his mince pie last year :(
GOZZ.

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Dec 10^th, 2010, 8:29pm

Rodders that can't be true, cos i saw him in town today....... :P

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by TiberiuS on Dec 11^th, 2010, 3:24pm

on 12/10/10 at 15:51:11, lesterlad aka Rodders wrote:

Do you mean this one ?

Yep, that's the one, ta ;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by lesterlad aka Rodders on Dec 11^th, 2010, 11:07pm

Christmas secret revealed after hundreds of years

Not a lot of people know this.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor..

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
;D

Title: Re: Time for a joke
Post by tonyboy on Dec 11^th, 2010, 11:39pm

on 12/08/10 at 03:05:17, Jonnycab wrote:

I think some people know this ........ ;)